so here's the thing
sometimes i make funny jokes (read: i make one semi-funny-mostly-cute-but-actually-mostly-dumb joke <--note singular) and sometimes i say outrageous thingss... and sometimes i get super heavy and talk about LIFE and ENERGY and PHILOSOPHY (read: drunk ramblings about why clouds are so epic and what it might all mean (but usually not drunk at all which is kind of the worst part)).. and if you've only hung out with me 3 times then it all seems pretty NEAT. but then you get to the like 4th and 5th hang outs with me and you start to realize this:
7 1/2 things to talk about
and by the time we've hung out 6 times and you've heard my stories 1.2 million times it all starts seeming a lot less NEAT and a lot more GAY.
but OH WELL you can stop reading anytime (butsrslyplsdont).
SO i'm here today to talk to you about something that i've probably already talked to you about. something we probably have had a good conversation about once (and 400 subsequent less good, completely fucking boring (for you) conversations), and if not then obviously i've only hung out with you 3 times and i haven't yet used up all my MATERIALS...
i need you to think about this: think of a time (probably as a youth) when you started feeling like you pretty much had it figured out. you had your little fucking stylez going on, you had some groovy friends, your hobbies, your favourite bands, the players in the bands that were like godsss.. maybe you even had real gods.. who knows.. but you had your IDEAS (and the ideas, my friends, are the worst part)....
now you probably cruised like that for a while and then, naturally, some things slowly started to change. (the GRADUAL evolution is, i swear to christ, a cushion provided to us, by the universe, so that we're not all running around with exploding hearts and pants FULL of shit - but more on that some other time)... NOW:
once you've had the experience of moderate self-assurance and an OKAYNESS with oneself/current set of beliefs you get to enjoy this other fun (and i mean fun) experience:
and then you get to have this thought:
"what the fuck. was. i. thinking. ? ! ?"
i hope you're reminiscing right now about yourself as a wiry weird little puke with a bad haircut and worse opinions and thinking HA HA HA ... or maybe you're thinking :-/ or maybe even this :*( but it's kind of fun right? its funny. well eventually its funny. it does take enough space before it starts being funny.
(causeonasidenote: sometimes if there isn't enough space between you now and the you you're thinking about then its just reallly uncomfortable and kind of sickening.. like finding porn when you're just a little too young to understand and knowing that its bad but not really getting it and then for days feeling like you're going to barf and getting hot and cold flashes and having crushing panic attacks.. its that type of embarrassing pain that you hold deep inside cause its just too real...) BUT IF THERE IS ENOUGH SPACE...
then its a really funny thing to think about and a wonderful thing to share with other people. cause we probably all sucked equally as teenagers. actually, i know we all sucked the same, cause teenagers suck... it doesn't matter how cool or uncool we were as squirts, we sucked. and the best part is that we had no idea how badly we all sucked.. it's actually a funny joke:
joke: teenagers suck
punchline: if you are a teenager you do not posses the ability to understand your inherent suckiness
no.. it's not until much later, after a lot of space and some more gradual evolution that you are granted the gift of knowledge (knowledge of teenage suckiness) but by then its totally ok. it's not pornographic. you take comfort in knowing that everyone was silly then and that you're no longer that person. so it's O K.
it's one thing to think about your poor choices as a teenager (we all get at least one 'get out of jail free' card, cause really - we couldn't help it) but if you start thinking about more recent history - and i'm not quite talking barfy porno history - but like yourself in the last five years... then things start getting a little crazy. you start getting that feeling of: i thought that i got it then - but now i get, that i didn't get it at all - cause, i get it now and its totally not what i was getting back then. right?
so what changes? what does it take to crush the certainty you felt AT THE TIME. to completely envelop the thoughts and beliefs you rolled around with. THE IDEAS. you were so sure. you can remember feeling so sure about those things and yet, now, all you can do is look down on those ideas and think. what the fuck was i thinking. and ya sometimes its funny but its also kind of sad and scary.
cause whats gunna happen now? what's it gunna take now? what's it gunna take to make the you now just like all those other yous..
think about it. it's gunna happen. slowly, yeah, but surely. and i'm not sure if that's fucked or awesome.
i feel pretty O K with myself right now. but i don't need to look back very far to find things that make me shake my head. and even though i feel like every day i 'get it' a little more and a little better, chances are i don't, cause i remember having the same feeling of 'i understand' when i was 12.
and you know what? i can look back at being a teenager and laugh about it and make so much fun of it and write rude blog entries about how much teenagers unanimously suck.. but when i'm no longer in my 20's i'm going to definitely look back on myself and say this:
i was shitty, we were all equally as shitty, cause all 20-somethings are shitty.
and there are so many days, more than i can fucking count (cause i can only count to 7.5 apparently) that i'd WAY rather suck than be shitty.
and i think about that a lot.