i just woke up from the worst nightmare i've ever had in my life. the worst night terror i've ever experienced. i'm afraid to go back to sleep. i'm afraid of everything. for the first five minutes after waking up i just laid still and cried looking at my red curtains and they looked all weird like they were all wonky and so were the lights on my ceiling and i started to feel like i was actually on the edge of losing my mind completely. i felt unsafe i felt unsafe being alone. i felt unsafe going back to sleep. i wanted so bad to call someone but realized it was 5 in the morning and that that wasn't really an option but i felt so fucking alone and terrified and my stomach started hurting so bad that i thought i was going to have alien happen to me or that i was going to puke or going to shit. paralyzed, crying lying in bed covered in shit and puke and aliens with all my terrors dancing on those fucking red curtains.  it was like all my thoughts, all the thoughts that were possible to think were happening at once in my brain and it was the worst feeling in the world. my brain and body and soul were all being crushed by the immense WEIGHT of everything, of all those thoughts, crashing all at once in my head like a pile of metal band instruments being attacked by a hundred hysterical 15 year olds who don't even like fucking band or having to play the fucking sax. i honestly didn't know what to do... i felt helpless and scared and still kind of do.. i thought maybe if i wrote about it it would help calm me down.. i really wish i could have called someone or be with someone right now... i knew that no one needed to get a 5 am phone call from me, trying to explain that the curtains look funny and bendy and that there are band instruments piled up so densely in my head that there's danger of them barfing out of my mouth and ears and pushing through my eyeballs like hurty tuba shaped tears. it's ok it's ok it's ok it's ok it's ok can't hold it together all the time. i was supposed to be dreaming about ponies for christs sake.


  1. allie.
    next time, call me!
    i too understand the world of unexplainable fears and overflowing emotions.
    for instance, today, after i decided to go get some groceries, i briefly paused in the middle of the room to sigh and frown and let one tear squeeze out of my eye. not sure what i was upset about, but it made me feel a lot better.
    yup, i had a weird lonely night yesterday, too.
    cold beds make life hard.

  2. OH GEEEEEZ LADY you know you can ALWAYS call me. besides, i'm 3 hours ahead! when you woke up i was covered in baby slime and yoghurt already! i could've googoo-gaagaad you back to sleep!